you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize