I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
