Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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