I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize