You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
