burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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