I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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