This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
