i think i have herpe
just one?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
