my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
