my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize