So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
there's paper in my vomit.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
