I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
