he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize