Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
