Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Actions speak louder than pants.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I forget how to act sober
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
