i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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