i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
