I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
