Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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