just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
