The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
