Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
