i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
