I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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