I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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