You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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