college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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