Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you had me at cake vodka
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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