i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
