please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
