Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
