how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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