When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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