It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
