My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
