when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
