I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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