He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
