the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize