You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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