I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
