listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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