I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
