these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
