I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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