I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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