11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
