ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize