My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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