I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
