Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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