I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
