I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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