Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
