I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
