I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
