I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
