ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Houston, we have a squirter
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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