Ambien. No doubt about it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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