Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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