theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
