How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
