i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
