im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
